We see here two tweets that got me thinking about this topic. And it’s not a topic that I’ve been ignorant of, in fact, it’s one that I think about fairly often. And the first tweet is much more general than just board games, but Rodney Smith talks about how it matters with board games as well in his video.

The Golden Rule of Being a Fan

We start today in an interesting place. I won’t directly touch on the topic, because I think we as fans of things need to consider what I hope is what we all want.

We want more people to find joy in our fandoms.

Basically, the rule, as is said simply up there, we want more people to join into our fandom. We want more people to love and find joy in the things we love and find joy in. The more people who find joy in the things we find joy in, the more we have in common with people, and the more we can share the joys of our life. That is the ideal that I hold for being a fan and one that I hope that fandoms as a whole can agree upon.

Where It Goes Wrong

However, it often goes wrong. And Rodney talks about it with board games, and I’m going to talk about it in that light as well generally, but this covers a lot of things. It tends to go wrong when current fans expect other people to be fans in the same way they are fans.

A board game example, a person who loves euro games might look down upon a new gamer who likes lighter games like Munchkin. A television example, a Doctor Who fan might look down on someone who prefers Peter Capaldi to David Tennant as the Doctor. A movie example, a Star Wars fan might look down on a new Star Wars fan who enjoys the prequel trilogy.

You can see how it works, because someone doesn’t enjoy the fandom in the exact way that someone else does, it isn’t as good. Their enjoyment of the fandom is less valid than the person who has been the fan longer or is the fan in the “right way”.

How We Tackle This

I could have spent more time on the negative, because it gets me annoyed. Rodney Smith is one of the nicest people out there and you see how passionate he is about the issue. But I see too many other posts who will just talk about the negative aspect and not about how we can help change things. And honestly, we need to change things. We look at big aggressions or slip ups and they are bad, like the gamers who scoff at female gamers, or similar to that, and we point fingers and call those people horrible. But it’s extremely insidious and easy to step on someone’s excitement out of a place that looks like it’s better. It is equally as harmful though to getting new people into the fandom or hobby.

The most common example of this is, and again going to board games, a conversation on Facebook or Twitter that goes something like this.

Newbie: “I’m so excited I just picked up Munchkin, I’m so excited to play it.”

Person in Hobby: “Munchkin sucks.”

Person 2 in Hobby: “Have fun with that game.”

Person 3 in Hobby: “Munchkin isn’t a good game, you should play Scythe instead.”

Written out like this, you can easily see what the issue is. The newbie is excited for their new game, they are probably just getting into games and like lighter fare that is closer to what they have played before. The first response is just bad. If you don’t like the game, great, don’t step on someone else’s fun and excitement. The second response is probably fine, I through that one in there to make it look more realistic in responses. The third one is also bad because again it’s negative and ruining someone’s fun. It hedges itself in being positive by giving unsolicited and not useful advice. If this person posting their excitement is truly new to the hobby, Scythe is not a jumping in point, or whatever the person’s favorite game might be.

It might seem weird, but I’ve seen all of these responses and more negative ones. Why doe we like to be negative about things and ruin other people’s joy? As Rodney says in his video: “It’s not special not to like something.” Maybe it’s a power play, but honestly, I think most of the time it’s because people are excited or excited and disappointed might be better. They see someone say, “I got a new game” and they think it’ll be something maybe they’ve been interested in and then when it isn’t get they get disappointed. I think that this is where especially comments like “X isn’t good, try Y instead” come from. The person is trying to get their excitement back by getting someone to agree with them or to like their thing. But to the person who posted, it’s just negative.

So what’s better? To quote Thumper from Bambi: “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” Honestly, it’s that simple, there is nothing that requires you to respond to a tweet or Facebook post on something you don’t like. In fact, it’s 99% of the time better to ignore them and show support to things you do like. A newbie to a hobby or fandom will generally gravitate towards the parts that are positive and away from the parts that are negative, as most people will. But if there is too much negative, a newbie might just leave a hobby or fandom. If you do feel compelled to respond, let’s see a better response.

Newbie: “I’m so excited I just picked up Munchkin, I’m so excited to play it.”

Person in Hobby: “That’s awesome, I hope you enjoy it.”

Doesn’t say that you like the game, but you are wishing joy upon the person and eventually, maybe that person will agree with you that Munchkin isn’t great and they want to play Scythe, but let them get there and let them grow into the hobby instead of pushing away.

But let’s look at another situation:

Newbie: “I’m thinking about getting Munchkin, is it a good game?”

Person in Hobby: “Munchkin sucks.”

Person 2 in Hobby: “I used to like Munchkin.”

Person 3 in Hobby: “Munchkin isn’t good, you should get Scythe.”

Now, I went with all wrong answers here. Now, the person who started asked for an opinion on Munchkin, saying Munchkin sucks is an opinion, but doesn’t give any information nor is it said in a constructive or useful way. It’s aggressively negative for no good reason. The second one is saying the same as the first, just in a much nicer way. And the third one, the person asked for advice, but it was about Munchkin, not about Scythe or whatever the person’s favorite game again.

It falls into the same lines as the other example above and reasoning as to why those are not good responses. Let’s say that you really don’t like Munchkin, what is a better response?

Newbie: “I’m thinking about getting Munchkin, is it a good game?”

Person in Hobby: “I’m not a big fan of Munchkin, I don’t like how much take that there is in it. If your group likes that sort of thing though, it’d probably work for you.”

The big difference, it’s a nicely stated that the person doesn’t like the game. They only talk about the game the person asked about. And they gave a reason why they don’t like it. I even wrapped it up with an encouraging thing clarifying that for some people the game will work.

One final example that I see often as well:

Newbie: “I’m just getting into the hobby. I have Catan, Ticket to Ride, Munchkin, and Exploding Kittens, what game do you think I’d like?”

Person in Hobby: “Those games suck.”

Person 2 in Hobby: “I remember when I liked those games.”

Person 3 in Hobby: “Scythe”

Again, it’s fairly easy to see what is wrong with these. They are very negative, two don’t answer the question and they tell the person they are doing it wrong. At least the first two do, the third one is just Scythe again. And it might seem like I’m picking Scythe, but honestly it’s one I see a lot of people use, I could also say my favorite game as well, Gloomhaven. But it’s also not useful to suggest massive games that the person would struggle with. It’s possibly less hurtful than the other two, but can push people away because it’ll make them feel inferior if they try a big game like Scythe or Gloomhaven and are overwhelmed by it because of what they have played before.

Then answering a question like this, think of it as stepping stones. You might want them to play Scythe, but that means you need to help get them there, taking the same steps that basically every gamer did from Classic Games to Modern Classics to Hobby Games to Scythe. If you need help with that, here’s a bit of a cheat sheet.

So what’s a better response?

Newbie: “I’m just getting into the hobby. I have Catan, Ticket to Ride, Munchkin, and Exploding Kittens, what game do you think I’d like?”

Person in Hobby: “Hmmm… I think that Five Tribes or Small World could be interesting for you.”

Person 2 in Hobby: “Good question, what do you like about those games? Something like Potion Explosion could be interesting, maybe if you like the set collecting and completing stuff parts of Catan and Ticket to Ride.”

Pretty easy to see how these are better. They give suggestions in line with or a bit more complex with that the person has played before. I think it’s always good to ask clarifying questions as well. The second person asks the general question of what is liked, but then gives a specific element of both Catan and Ticket to Ride, set collection in their reasoning. That sort of engagement makes the new person feel more involved in the hobby and in the group.

Go Forth and Grow the Fandom

Now, we are all going to slip up on this. I know that I do it from time to time as well. For me, it is something I intentionally don’t want to propagate throughout a hobby or a fandom that I love, this negative response. And I truly believe that most gamers, most fans, they want their hobby to grow. With that, I do believe there is a bit of letting go of your fandom or hobby just like you hold it. That can be hard, but when you can do that, your hobby and fandoms will grow. You will learn new things and see things in a new way, and it’ll strengthen your own joy in a fandom or hobby. I hope in the upcoming years we see more fans of board games grow and more fans of every fandom come into light and that we can all enjoy those similar things in our own way remembering that just because someone likes something a bit different than you, it doesn’t have a negative impact on your own joy.

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But in that top 10 for TV shows, Kristen had Doctor Who on the list. And she thought that I might have it on my list, but it wasn’t even in my honorable mentions. And if you look at my top 5’s that I’ve done at the end of every year, you’ve been able to see that falling on that list and then off that list.

What does that mean for me having liked that show? Is it okay to have something fall off for you as a fan? And should you feel bad about not being as much of a fan anymore?

Let’s start with the first question, because that has a lot to unpack. What does that mean for me (or you) as a fan of something for a long time and it falling off our list of fandoms we’re big into? And also let’s toss in if we should feel bad about not being a fan anymore as well to our questions.

I think that there are several different emotions that can come through with this process. Both that I can think of easily are betrayal, but from different directions. First, as a fan, when our interest starts to wain in fandom, we can feel like we are being betrayed by the fandom. We want to keep enjoying it, but it isn’t enjoyable to us anymore for whatever the reason might be, and we feel like the show isn’t, but should be, doing what we want and need it to do to keep our interest. There can be plenty of reasons why it doesn’t keep our interests or meet our needs anymore. It can because of the fan base, it can be because of the show/movie/book/comic/etc. itself where the quality or the storyline has changed to not match our expectations, or it can be because we’ve changed our place in life or our mindset in life, and now the fandom doesn’t meet our needs anymore. The feeling that it betrayed us can also lead to resentment for what it did previously. Sometimes this is valid, but most of the time, we need to remember that the betrayal we’re feeling about where it’s ended up doesn’t undo what we used to love about it, and doesn’t invalidate our good times with the fandom before.

But, you can also feel like you are betraying the fandom. That’s why I combined two of the questions here, because as a fan, we often have to deal with our own emotions of feeling like we need to force ourselves to like something still, or if we don’t like something anymore, we are betraying it. As fans though, it isn’t our requirement to like something and it isn’t reasonable to think that we won’t have changing tastes throughout our lives. Also, if the thing we’re a fan of is good, even if it’s not for us anymore, it’s going to be growing, and fans will be being added, maybe not as fast as we’d hope, but us leaving the fandom isn’t going to cause the fandom to crumble. And the fandom, as a whole, isn’t going to be insulted that we don’t like something anymore. And even our friends in the fandom, if they are true friends, aren’t going to be resentful if we don’t love it like we used to. Now, I will add in the caveat that we need to be respectful when we leave, this comes back to remembering our good times with something and not letting our current feelings invalidate what has been before.

Let’s tackle that last question quickly as well, is it fine to stop being a fan of something?

The answer to that should be pretty obvious, the answer is yes. People change as they grow in life, as they develop new interests, and as what they are of a fan of changes. We shouldn’t feel like we are betraying something or being betrayed by it, because change is a natural progression of life. And while it might feel like you won’t find something the same or that you’re leaving something important behind, you’ll find things to replace it. I used to be much more into movies than I am now, or Doctor Who as the example was to start, but, let’s go with movies. The reason that I’m less into movies now is that with a 7 month old, it’s harder to watch movies and sleep. Movies are simply too often too long, and while I make an exception for Marvel movies pretty often, I’m much more apt to watch TV (and recorded TV shows at that), because two episodes is an hour and a half which is shorter than a lot of movies.

Another reason it’s fine to stop being a fan of something, is that you might come back to it. I might come back to Doctor Who. I might come back to movies, it’s just a season in my life where these things aren’t as meaningful to me. We have to remember as fans of stuff, that just because we stop liking something doesn’t mean that we can’t come back to it. And if someone we know leaves a fandom and then wants to come back later, we need to be welcoming. I think that can be an intimidating piece that keeps fans in a fandom longer than they’d want, because they are worried about getting back into it, if their fandom is peaked again.

It’s a tough topic to write about in some ways. I think with Doctor Who, there was just enough effort keeping up with it that it made falling away from it pretty easy. But thinking about it, the seasons and episodes that I do love, I do want to watch again sometime. So it isn’t like I’ve completely divorced myself from Doctor Who, and I’m sure at some point in time I’ll be back to it as something draws me back in, but when that happens, that will be the time. I can’t spend time feeling bad for any reason, because there are so many other great things to be a fan of.

What is something that you’ve had your fandom wain on? Did you feel bad about it, like it was betraying you or you were betraying it?

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Many times in the past, I’ve felt silly for taking so long to get on board with a new fandom, especially when it seems everyone around me knows about all the cool new things before I’ve even heard of them (does this mean I know a lot of hipsters? Maybe). But the longer it’s gone on, the more I’ve realized that my tendency take my time is almost all pros, and very few cons. As I see it, the only real downside is that I’m much more at risk for seeing spoilers before I get around to watching/reading/playing the new thing and have to avoid certain corners of the internet if I don’t want to ruin it for myself (a pretty significant downside, considering my hatred of spoilers, but still). Well, that and the fact that I end up having to endure an endless refrain of “You haven’t seen/played/read it yet? What’s wrong with you?/do you live under a rock?/we can’t be friends anymore lol.” But as truly infuriating as those things are, they can’t overshadow the sweet, sweet benefits that come with waiting a while to try the next new thing.

First, there’s the fact that waiting until something’s been out for some time will ensure that you know about all the bugs in the system before you jump in. Did a new gaming console come out that you can’t afford right now or don’t feel like getting yet? By the time you get one, all the glitches will probably have been fixed (and it will likely cost less to boot). Is there a new anime series that looks interesting? If you wait to watch it, you’ll hear about how there are a bunch of filler episodes you can skip, or how there’s a story arc that’s not worth your time. Basically, this means that you can maximize your enjoyment of the new fandom while avoiding all the nonsense that the early adopters had to wade through. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets to skip all the crap. Trust.

Beyond that, there’s the matter of access. Say there’s a show everyone’s talking about — if you wait a while to watch it, even if it hasn’t been released a whole season at a time a la Netflix original series, then you can binge-watch it to your heart’s content. Or if a book series is already complete, you don’t have to wait ages for the next installment to come out while you sit in agonized suspense longing to find out what happens next; you can just read the books one right after the other if you want (gloating to your friends who started reading them right away is optional, but generally recommended). And perhaps best of all, when it comes time for you to find a copy of Cool New Thing X, you can buy a used one on the cheap, or borrow it from a friend who already has it. Call it laziness, call it delayed instant gratification, call it whatever you want — all I know is that I’m a huge fan of this approach, and I’ve never truly regretted taking it.

And then there’s the fact that as a Johnny-come-lately, geeking out with other people in the fandom is so much more satisfying. Like, for real, you guys. Whether you’re live-messaging your friends about the awesomeness that is Dragon Age (*cough* guilty *cough*), talking about which of your Game of Thrones fan theories came true, or discussing the topic of how the Harry Potter series is amazing despite its plethora of gaping plot holes, it’s gonna be a good time for everyone. As long as your friends aren’t too jaded and too-cool-for-school to squee with you about the new thing you’ve gotten into (which, if they are, y’all need to give them a talking to), you get the joy of experiencing how great a fandom is for the first time while having your friends go “I know, right?!” whenever you talk to them about what you love about it, and your friends get the opportunity to relive its amazingness, all while remembering what it was like when they fell in love with it. As I see it, it’s a win-win for everybody.

And so, my friends, you may disagree with these points, and you may think I’m a bit silly or lackadaisical for doing things this way — that’s just fine (in fact, I get it). But regardless of how silly or strange it may seem, this strategy totally works for me — and, I suspect, for a lot of you as well. And while there are certainly upsides and fun aspects about jumping on board with something right from the beginning, you can keep your ability to do that all for yourself — I’ll just be over here, enjoying the heck out of great fandoms in my own way. Several years later, that is.

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But what do you do when you’re a fandom of one?

It’s pretty inevitable that this will happen at some point (or even several times) for most nerds. As we discover more things we love, and delve deeper into them, and seek out other, new things that spark our interest along the way, our paths will eventually diverge and lead us to other new things, and before we know it, we’ve fallen in love with something no one else is interested in — maybe even something that no one else we know has even heard of.

So what’s a lonesome nerd to do? That nerdy energy has to go somewhere, after all. You can nerd out about something by yourself by writing a blog or some fanfiction or creating fan art (all things I’ve done to cope in the past), but ultimately, that will never be quite as fun as it is to talk over the finer points of the story, discuss theories about what will happen in the next installment, or geek out about the latest plot twist with someone else who loves the new thing you’ve found.

Fortunately, there are a couple of good ways to solve this problem. The first stems from the fact that, while you personally may not know anyone else who loves your new nerdy interest, there are almost definitely other people out there somewhere who already love it, and thanks to the wonders of the internet, you can find whole forums full of them. In bygone days, nerds had to join fan clubs to find others with the same interests, and frequently had to communicate with other members of those clubs primarily by mail, but these days, if it exists and it’s nerdy, there’s most likely an online forum for it, or at the very least, someone on Tumblr who has gif-ed it to perfection. I myself am part of a forum centered around historical/period films and books, and despite the fact that I now know more people IRL who enjoy such things than I did back when I joined the forum, it’s still one of my favorite places to fangirl about Jane Austen and Shakespeare and suchlike.

Another great way to assuage your loneliness is to bring more nerds along with you for the ride. You may be the first among your friends to discover this great new thing, but you certainly don’t have to be the last! If your new thing is similar to other things you know a friend already likes (or even if it’s not, and your friend is game for trying something new), go ahead and recommend it to them so that they can share in the joy (and pain, if your fandoms are anything like mine…)! You’ll want to proceed with a little caution here — as you’re already super excited about this thing and really invested in it, it’ll be hard not to make your recommendation of it a little…overwhelming.

I can attest to this fact — those of you who have been on the receiving end of my evangelical zeal for books like the Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon and the Daughter of Smoke and Bone trilogy by Laini Taylor know that this sort of thing can get a little intense. But if you can curb your enthusiasm just enough (but not too much, mind) to make a good pitch, pretty soon you just might have another friend who’s joined the fandom train right along with you. Ah, sweet victory.

These are just a couple of ways to handle being the single member of a fandom — what’s your preferred approach? Have you tried these strategies, or something else altogether? Tell us about it in the comments!

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